


fuzzy

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, M/M, References to Depression, Sad, YouTube, daniel and depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 06:22:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: Dan is having one of his bad days, and Phil is there to pull him out of it.based off of dans 'daniel & depression' video as well as personal experiences





	fuzzy

As soon as he wakes up, he can feel it’s going to be one of those days. He can feel it behind his eyes where it settles heavily and in his bones where it’s cold. He can feel it his heart where it burns and in his veins where it seems to be tight and uncomfortable.And yet, all at the same time, he feels nothing.  
  
He’s woken early for no particular reason, and when he cracks his heavy eyes open, he can see the space next to him is empty. He blinks, trying to rid the sleep dragging his eyelids down, and lets out a shaky breath.  
Phil, who he’s guessing has either gotten up to pee or gone to make coffee, isn't next to him, and the bed feels too big and too cold.  
He rolls from his side to his back, closing his eyes, resting his arms atop of his bare chest.His chest feels empty, and he’s sure he can't even feel his own limbs attached to his body but he just breathes, a small reminder to his brain that, _‘hey, I’m alive’_.  
  
Phil eventually appears in the doorway, slouched over sleepily in a loose top and emoji pyjama pants, glasses resting on his nose as he runs a hand through his hair, which is now pushed back from it’s usual style.  
  
“Morning sleepy head” Phil mumbles as he pulls the covers back an inch to snake in, before wrapping it around his shoulders.He snuggles in close to Dan, like a monkey, hanging off his side, his chin between his shoulder and neck. He fits so perfectly.  
  
Dan knows that now he should feel warm, and safe, that he should feel something. But it’s like there’s nothing there, physically and mentally, so he just lays with his eyes squeezed shut, unmoving.  
  
He feels Phil move beside him, sitting up and Dan wants to roll over so he doesn’t have to do this, but his body wont move because he’s so tired.  
  
“Dan?” Phil says in a soft tone. It’s the voice he’s all too familiar with, the one he uses when he’s unsure but it seems to be full of concern and love that it hurts Dan a little.  
  
Dan doesn't answer, he doesn't have the energy. So instead he just squeezes his eyes tighter.  
  
“Dan, baby, you wanna get up?” Phil asks, putting a hand on his bare shoulder carefully, but Dan just shrugs it off.Phil doesn't push it any further and instead, slips out of bed quietly, leaving Dan to himself, with nothing but the thick air around him.  
  
It’s another thirty seconds, (Dan knows because he’s been counting the seconds to occupy his mind from slipping away from him) when Phil reappears again in the doorway, with a mug in one hand and what looks like a plate of toast in the other.  
Dan just closes his eyes. He knows what Phil’s trying to do, and he knows he should just go with it, but the voice in his head is telling him otherwise; that he’s not hungry and he should just roll over and pretend to be asleep and just spend the remainder of the day in bed.But Phil moves towards him, and Dan can’t find the energy to pretend, so he just watches him shuffle in, careful not to spill the drink in his hand.  
  
“Here,” he says, holding out the plate to Dan, “sit up and eat some.” His voice was so calm and gentle, so Dan just follows it.  
  
He feels stupid, like a baby, being told what to do, being fed like a child - but he knows that he needs this, and at the moment its just his stupid brain telling him otherwise.  
  
He pushes himself up onto his butt, head resting against the headboard, taking the plate from his boyfriend, just to stare down at him.  
His stomach feels so empty, yet he has no intentions of eating anything, but as he goes to pick at a crumb, his brain is telling him that he shouldn't eat it, because he’s put on enough weight lately and is way too lazy to do anything about it, and that skipping breakfast is the best solution possible.  
  
But it’s not him thinking that. It’s the entity that lives in his brain, the one that creeps out every once in a while and covers him in a dark web like cloud of depression.  
And he fucking hates it.  
  
He swallows dryly, feeling his stomach rumble slightly, before taking a bite. He takes another, and then another and soon, before he knows it, he’s eaten both slices, his plate clean.  
  
He looks up at Phil, who hasn't said a word, who has the biggest grin on his face,  
  
“Good, you ate it all” he smiles.  
  
He needs this, he reminds himself. He needs this reassurance and praise to get him through the day.  
He needs this so badly.  
  
Phil hands him the mug, and when Dan peers over inside of it, his face cracks into a small smile when he realises what Phil’s given him.  
  
Usually he’d have a coffee to start the day, but after a few of his bad days, the two of them realises that coffee and depression was not a good mixture, his anxiety going ten fold until he’d pass out, body still shaking.  
So coffee was a no go when he was having days like these - even when he felt like his body could really use it.  
  
Instead, Phil had managed to make a hot chocolate, added some cream on top and sprinkled some marshmallows on top, in fact, he was surprised there was even any left before his boyfriend would be throwing the entire packet into his mouth - it was a miracle that he’d left any for Dan to begin with.  
  
It was gestures like these that made Dan feel something. It wasn't a whole lot, not nearly enough than it should, but it made a small feeling in his chest that reminded him that he was okay.  
  
He sipped his drink in silence, with Phil beside him, slowly brushing his fingers into his curls, and Dan could've melted right there and then and how he slowly massaged his scalp.  
He finished his drink, and Phil was picking up his mug and plate before he stopped to press a kiss into his hair and said,  
  
“You need to get up and shower, okay?” Dan blinked, and nodded.  
  
He really, really didn't want to shower. He simply wanted to curl up in bed all day and do nothing, but he was sure Phil would drag him by the ankles if he did.  
  
He tried. _He really did_. He picked up the edge of the bedsheets, twisting it in his hands, telling himself to get up. But he couldn't find the energy to do so.  
It was when Phil came back, that he tore his eyes away from the bedsheets to look up at him.  
  
“C’mon Dan,” Phil said softly, pulling him up, and again, Dan followed his lead towards the bathroom.  
  
The shower was already running, and Dan just watched it, the small pebbles of water pelting out of the head of the shower, watching the steam rise and settle thickly on the glass of the shower walls.  
  
He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice Phil undressing him until he was in his boxers.  
  
“Do you need me to come in with you?” Phil asked, standing back up from picking up the bundle of pyjamas off the floor.  
  
Phil had seen Dan naked more times than he could count fingers on his hands, there was no boundaries between them, but Phil still asks because he’s cautious and careful and it makes Dan feel loved. But instead its like a ghostly feeling in his chest. What is supposed to be there, isn't.   
  
He shakes his head, he just wants a quick shower alone, so Phil nods and tells him to keep the door unlocked and Dan complies.  
  
His shower is quick, it takes him a while, to remember his routine.  
_Two shampoos. one conditioner and then one body wash._  
  
He turns the water off and stands there for a second, almost forgetting what he’s supposed to do next, when there’s a knock at the door,  
  
“Dan, can I come in?” Phil’s voice comes from behind the door.  
  
Dan nods, before realising that Phil can’t see him, clears his throat and then,  
“Yeah”  
  
The door opens softly, and Phil is stood, now dressed, with a big fluffy towel in his arms,  
  
“It just came out of the wash, so it’s nice and warm for you” Phil says, wrapping around Dan’s shoulders.  
  
“You think you can dry yourself off and get dressed?” He asks once he’s pushed the stray curls from his face.  
  
Dan nods a small smile stretched across his lips,“I think so”  
  
Phil smiles at him,“Okay, I’ll be in the lounge okay?”  
  
And with that he leaves, and Dan pads his way back to their bedroom to get himself dressed.  
  
He actually manages to get dressed by himself, maybe taking a little longer than usual, but he’s doing it.  
  
He reminds himself again. _It’s okay. I’m alive. I’m here and I’m a functioning human that_ can _and_ will _be okay._  
  
Its enough to motivate him to get up and find some socks.  
  
He slunk his way into the living room to join his boyfriend, who was sat on the sofa, legs curled underneath him, transfixed by the TV, which looked to be like an episode of the home renovation shows he’d been obsessing over lately.  
He slots right next to him, curling up tightly, resting his head on his shoulder, just as Phil brings his hand up to intertwine his fingers through his hair again.  
  
“Did you shower okay?” He asks, and Dan nods,  
  
“Brush your teeth?” He asks and Dan just hums.  
  
“You need to drink something” Phil adds after a second of silence, and Dans face is pulled into a frown as Phil pulls himself up to make his way to the kitchen.  
  
He returns shortly with a glass of water, hands it to Dan, then taps his leg for him to move to sit where he was sitting before, just enough space for the two of them to cuddle comfortably.  
  
Dan can either be completely void of human interaction or overly clingy on days like this, desperate for Phil to lean on, and it looks like today is one of those days, not that either or them mind.  
  
It’s a nice reassurance for them.  
  
They sit in silence, Dan sipping on his water that never seems to be ending due to the fact that when they moved here, Phil had started buying glasses big enough for giants (he was still sure they were actually flower vases and so was the rest of the internet but Phil had assured him they weren’t) watching the TV peacefully.  
  
It was nice in a weird way.  
  
They could have filmed a video today, he could have maybe written a few ideas down in his notebook and probably should get back to his backlog of emails he still had to answer, but some days were just gone before they started.  
Like a rain cloud over his head, drowning the day away.  
  
But Dan was lucky.  
He was lucky because he had had learned how to cope on days like these, how to shut off the part of his brain that was too fuzzy.  
He had overcome so much, and he wouldn't ever let these days set him back.  
He was lucky he had learned how to stay afloat.  
  
He was lucky for Phil.  
He was lucky that he had someone like Phil hoist him up from his depths, guiding him through the thick clouds of depression that would pull him under and drown him some days.  
  
He looked up at Phil, who was still playing absently with his hair, oblivious to Dan looking up at him, the reflection of the TV bouncing off his glasses, and Dan felt something.  
It shifted in his chest and seemed to spread into his ribs and across his body. It was so warm, and he no longer felt so numb.  
  
The worst part of depression was the feeling of nothingness. Sometimes even with all the love and care in the world from Phil, his brain would be so clouded, he couldn't feel it, the words, _I love you_ , dry in his throat, even though he knew they were true.  
But now, as he snuggled in closer to his boyfriend and closed his eyes, he felt something more than nothing. And even if it was only something small, and probably not enough to last the rest of the day,  
  
it was better than feeling fuzzy. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i started writing after dans video on depression but it took me a while to find the words i wanted to say.
> 
> this is loosely based off my own feelings and experiences from depression. i would often describe it as a fuzzy cloud, almost as if it was clogging up my brain and raining down on me. everyone has their own experiences with mental health, and even if its my fuzzy cloud, or dans dark pizza hole, please remember you are never alone and there always is someone to help you :) please dont hesitate to talk to me or comment your own experiences or stories in the comments, they are all appreciated, thanks for reading ! 
> 
> you are loved, never forget that :)


End file.
